Question:

Hi Nancy,

I recently lost my son and the pain has been intense. I also have 4 other children. This season of my life has been the most challenging and yet the best with my relationship with the Lord.

My husband and I feel we are done having children and although I desire for more and also trust my husband and believe that is what is best. Did you struggle knowing you would not have any more children? Did it take a while to take a breath with what God was doing? I am surrounded by newborns at my church and so it’s been hard to go...I do, and God has been good, but I am different.

Answer:
Most losses are not singular, but are really a series of losses that all have to be grieved. For me, the loss of potential for more children was a profound loss to grieve and one that I had to let myself grieve. As my son gets ready to head to college next year, I'm feeling that grief again, wishing there were still younger children that would be at home after he leaves. 

So much of life seems like a struggle for contentment, which I suppose is really a battle to trust God. God, can I be content with the children you have given me? Can I be content in you and trust that you will not withhold anything good from me? That is the struggle, and surrender is what brings peace and joy.

Regarding church. I know it is so hard. And know that it is also very hard for those friends of yours whose arms are full while yours are empty. They feel guilty and awkward about it. So you can avoid them, or you can help everyone overcome that awkwardness by approaching them and taking joy in their children, letting them know they don't have to walk on eggshells around you and your hurt forever. Let this struggle too make you into a compassionate person, looking for the woman who is hurting and lonely at your church to reach out to her. Ultimately I have found that applying my pain toward caring for someone else who is hurting is what soothes it and gives it meaning and purpose.

Sharing your sorrow—

Nancy

Follow-up Question:
As I thought of what I asked in my last email, I wanted to add something. I hope I don't sound like a whiner. I have been told by many, “at least you have 4 children.” I want to say I agree although not with the “at least” part. The hardest part is resting in Gods plan and not needing to know what’s next. Of course my world was rocked when we lost a child...but so much good has come from it. Many have told me that having another child will help heal me and I disagree, but it makes me wonder if I will heal without having another. I don't want to hang onto something tangible. I really want Christ to be my all. Did it take awhile to rest in what His story is? Hope this is not rambling...probably is. Your books have been amazing and you have such wisdom. So scriptural and Christ centered.

Answer:
I think people tell us that having another child will help us heal because they really do want us to feel better. They think it will be a distraction, and it probably would be. But what those who have not been there don't understand is that it does not fill the empty place left by the child you have lost.

You are going to have to decide now to forgive those who say, "at least you have 4 children" and that having another will help you heal. Don't try to correct them. Just understand that they can't understand unless they've been there.

And of course you can heal without having another child. Absolutely. We never want to say to God that there is something we must have to be happy. We want to say to him—I take you at your Word when you say that your grace is sufficient, that it will be enough for me. I take you at your name, Jehovah Raphi, that you are the healer, and I invite your healing work in my life in and through my sorrow as you use it to refine me and refocus me on finding my satisfaction in you and your plan for me.

NG

Question:
We feel like we needed to write our daughter’s story to continue her passion to make her life count for God. This is going to be very hard, but my life has already been so hard. The other children don't like this idea of having a book written about their sister.

I don't know if you have any advice or insights that could help us at this time.

Answer:
I understand your desire to continue your daughter's passion to make her life count for God. I have to tell you, however, that writing a book and seeking to get it published is not always the best, and certainly not the only way to fulfill that desire. The difficult reality is that publishers are inundated with books written by grieving parents and they publish very few. So if you feel that the process of writing would be helpful to your own healing whether or not anyone ever reads it, then I suggest you proceed. If you are interested in self-publishing it to share with your friends, that would be another reason to proceed. But if it is really about getting it published by a regular publisher, and if you have little writing or publishing experience, I would strongly caution you in regard to pouring yourself into getting a book published. 

It also concerns me that your children don't want you to do it. I think you would be wise to explore that more. Why is that? They are here with you and need you now, and I can't help but wonder if they might be wishing to have more of you focused on them now.

I don't mean to discourage you. But since you asked for my advice, I do want to give it to you straight. Obviously I know what it is like to have a story you want to tell and a desire for God to use my child's life and death for ministry purposes. But I respond as someone who has spent over twenty years in the publishing industry, well aware of what publishers are looking for, and what they reject.  I also respond as a mom who regrets some of the energy poured into ministering through Hope and Gabriel that might better have been poured into loving Matt in ways that are meaningful to him.

I do wish you the best as you pray over how to invest yourself in loving your family and remembering yoru daughter—

Nancy

Question:
Are any of your books available in Spanish? I live in right on the border with Mexico. The population here is 75% Hispanic. Your books in Spanish would be very beneficial not only here, but also across the border.

Answer:
For six years my answer to that question has always been "no," but now Holding on to Hope is available in Spanish! I'm sure any bookstore in your area can order it from Tyndale Espanol.

Nancy

P.S. It is also available in German, Norwegian, Danish, Chinese, Korean, and Portuguese.

Question:
I joined a prayer group about a week ago and have been reluctant to pray out loud. My friend thinks that I am afraid and that is partly true, but the real reason is that I choose to pray to God privately. I have tossed around the idea to recite what Jesus said about prayer and I think you explain it perfectly by incorporating His teaching. I think I will cite your website to let the other members know not to take my silence as not being inclusive. I am praying along with them that God answers their prayers if it is in His Will as they pray. Attending the prayer meetings and Study Group has made my personal prayer stronger and has allowed me to realize how blessed I am. I just wanted you to know that I woke up early this morning couldn't sleep, searched the web for a answer and God lead me to your website for confirmation that it is okay to be silent or pray the prayer that covers it all "The Lord's Prayer". Thank you and God Bless You.

Answer:
Lots of women share your discomfort with praying in public in a group—especially when we are with “practiced pray-ers” who seem so comfortable praying out loud and can seemingly go on and on with so much ease. So the real question is why are you uncomfortable? And even more importantly, what did Jesus really teach about praying publicly and privately?

Private prayer is important; it is essential. In fact, many people substitute public prayer for private prayer, because public prayer can be used to impress people with our spirituality, whereas we get little credit from others for private prayer. Private prayer plays an important role in our relationship with Christ, drawing us closer to him as we share what is on our hearts with him, confess our sin to him, and welcome him into our lives and concerns.

But because private prayer is essential and public prayer can sometimes be misused does not take away from the importance of public prayer. Jesus taught about private prayer (Matthew 6:6) and he prayed privately (Mark 1:35, Luke 5:16). But Jesus also taught about public prayer (Matthew 18:19-20, Mark 11:17) prayed publicly (Matthew 19:13, Luke 9:28, Luke 11:1, John 17). So using Jesus' teaching and example certainly does not justify limiting ourselves to private prayer.

But that doesn't mean you have to pray publicly, at least not now. You are right that you can participate in the prayer time by affirming in your heart and mind what the others are praying, and offering your prayers in your heart to God. And that will be meaningful for you and for God. But what will it add to your sisters in the prayer group?

So many times we operate in the body of Christ based on what makes us comfortable, and what meets our needs rather than putting the needs of others before our own. And while you never need to feel pressure to "perform" or simply "participate" in a public prayer time, you do need to consider how your participation or lack of participation affects others in the group. The writer of Hebrews told believers, "Consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Through praying together we encourage each other in looking to God for our needs and build up each other’s faith. Praying together out loud binds us to each other in a spiritual rather than simply social way.

The other thing you need to consider carefully is what the real reasons are for your reluctance to pray out loud with a group. Are you uncomfortable with or intimidated by the tone of voice or types of phrases and expressions others use in the group? You don’t have to use them. Be yourself. Is it that you fear your prayers will not sound as impressive or passionate or as knowledgeable about God as those of the others in the group? Are you more concerned about what the people in the prayer group will think about how you pray than you are about blessing them with the simplicity of your prayer and your joining them in prayer? If that’s the case, is pride the real cause of your reluctance?

If your fear is that your prayer will reveal that you are young or not as studied in your walk with Christ, you should know that those who have walked with Christ a long time are especially blessed by the prayers of “less-experienced” believers. And I don’t mean this in a condescending way. The genuine prayer of a young believer is a blessing to everyone who shares it.

Finally, what would it mean for your prayer group if everyone took your approach? It would make for a pretty awkward prayer meeting, wouldn't it? Maybe prayers would be prayed, but everyone would miss out on being encouraged by and directed by the prayers of others. 

Prayer is simply talking to God and listening to God, developing and expressing our dependence on him. It is not a performance and it certainly isn't a recitation. Real prayer comes from the heart. And the very best prayer flows out of scripture. I would encourage you, before the next prayer meeting, to spend some time in the Bible and find a passage that is meaningful— maybe Ephesians 1:17-18 or Colossians 1:14-19, which express Paul’s prayers for his brothers and sisters in Christ. Spend some time meditating on those verses and those prayers for others from the Bible. Then try writing out in your own normal-sounding words how you would pray for those things for the people in your group. Get comfortable with the heart of what you are really praying for aside from the scripture-sounding words. Pray them out loud by yourself so you get comfortable hearing yourself pray out loud. And next time your prayer group meets, enter in, offering a short and simple prayer for the others, blessing them by your participation and encouraging them by you’re your participation and your scripture-focused, simple prayer.

Question:
I received a copy of your book from a friend after having had 3 miscarriages and lost 2 boys because of preterm labor. I know you've grieved your babies, but I'm curious, have you ever struggled with not being able to have more children? We've always dreamt of having a large family, but we're wrestling with whether or not it's even right to intentionally try to conceive, risking a future baby's well-being since it's likely I'll have early preterm labor again. What has it been like to decide NOT to have more children? This is a major aspect of our grief.

Answer:
Have I ever struggled with not being able to have more children? Absolutely. I think every loss is really a series of losses. For us that series included the loss of potential. And I have grieved that and continue to grieve it in some ways. Our son, Matt is now half way through his senior year and will be gone off to college before I know it and the house will be so desperately quiet and I can hardly bear the thought.

Every letting go in our lives is a crossroads where we either say to God, "I must have this to be happy, and if I can't have it, I will be resentful and discontent and embittered" or where we say, "I'm sad to let go of this, but letting go helps me to remember that you are really all I need to be happy. Anything else I insist I must have to be happy is, in reality, an idol. I believe that your Holy Spirit can work in me to generate contentment and joy and freedom as I entrust my whole life to you, welcoming what you give me and refusing to become bitter about what you take away."

Absolutely this is something to grieve, and our surrender of our dreams for life the way we want it to be is not instant or easy, but our aim is to welcome God's plan for our lives, trusting that it will be good, enough, that He will be enough for us.

Nancy

Question:
I have gone through Griefshare and heard you talk. How do you go on? I lost my son to suicide. I still feel like I'm stuck.

Answer:
How do you go on? The only way I found I could move forward was to dig deeper into God's Word to learn more about his character so that I could trust him, and to choose to invest my energy and focus as much as possible in people around me who are living and need me rather than giving all of my focus and energy to my grief. As a mom, I also had to keep telling myself the truth—that it was not a betrayal of my children to choose joy, that my love for them is not defined by my ongoing misery.

I encourage you to get a copy of my book, The One Year Book of Hope. I hear from a lot of people who find the daily devotions meet them where they are in their grief and help them move forward toward healing. I pray it might do so for you.

Nancy

Question:
I am writing with a crushed heart and spirit for my friends. Their first grandson was born about a month ago with a fatal syndrome. They have put him into God's hands now as they have taken him off all support except oxygen. Is there anything I can say or do for them that may be of some help?? My heart is aching to do something else, other than pray, pray, pray which may be the only thing left now. Please give me any advice if you can.

Answer:
I so appreciate your heart that is breaking for these people you love.

As you pray, don’t limit your prayers to asking God to do a miracle to heal this child, but pray for God to work to keep this couple's marriage strong, and for the parents and grandparents to face death with faith in God's promises.

There is really nothing you can do or say that will take away this pain except to let them know that your heart is breaking with theirs. Then, mark your calendar and on the child's birthday and deathday. Remember to send a little note letting them know this child is not forgotten.  Don't be afraid to say his name. Speak his name to them and tell them you have been thinking about him after he is gone.

You might also want to give them a copy of our book, When Your Family's Lost a Loved One later.

I think it may be even more difficult for parents to watch their child lose a child than for the parents. It was agonizing for our parents, so your awareness of their deep hurt, which will not go away quickly, will be a blessing to them.

Nancy

Question:
I friend just gave me your wonderful book and I loved it. My husband and I are Christians and have a five-year-old son. We also have a son who is 20 weeks old today. Five days after he was born, he was diagnosed with a brain malformation. We are caring for him through his intractable seizures, G-button feedings, etc. The doctors don't have a specific life span for him, although they doubt he will live beyond childhood. It could be today or 10 years.

My question for you is how do we live day-to-day wondering if this will be the last day? And how do I, when I think I can't go another day watching him suffer, think about doing this for another 10 years?

Answer:
I don't know that I have a definitive answer to this, but I'll share with you what helped me. 

First, regarding living every day. As much as possible, when I had an idea of something I wanted to do with Hope or Gabe, or someone I wanted them to meet or spend time with, I just didn't put it off. I did some bold, and to some, perhaps, outrageous things in terms of parties and pictures and travel. And I don't regret any of it.

The challenging thing is that much of life is made up of ordinary stuff like making dinner and folding laundry and doing your taxes. You feel this tyranny of not wanting to waste any time on ordinary things. I think you have to just realize that having your son with you doing the "ordinary" things is really the essence of enjoying life. And don't be hard on yourself when you realize you haven't done anything "special" that day.

Take as much time as you can to just feel his skin next to yours, to just be quiet together and enjoy the simple pleasure of being together. Those are the times I long for when I miss Hope and Gabe.

In regard to how to do it long-term, when Hope was a few months old I took her with us to a cub-scout event for my son. At that point I was very unsure of how long she would live and how big she would get. There was a family there with a severely handicapped daughter. I went and sat down with the mom while she was feeding baby food to her 11-year-old, knowing that she still changes her diapers and never gets any response from her. And I asked her, "How do you do this? And how do you keep doing it?" 
She told me, "If I think about doing this for another 30 years, which is a possibility, then I think I can't do it. So I just wake up every day and say, "I can do this today. I can take care of Julia today. And then I get up the next day and do the same thing."  That helped me.

I have no doubt that what Jesus said to Paul—"My grace is sufficient" —he says to you, and that he will give you the grace you need in the form and timing and quantity in which you need it.

Sharing your joy and your sorrow—

Nancy

Follow-up Question:
I wanted to let you know how much your encouragement has meant to me over the last two months.  And I wanted to let you know that we said goodbye to our sweet baby yesterday morning with blessed hope and assurance of his heavenly home and eternal rest.  He declined quickly and it was very peaceful as we were able to hold him in our arms at home and kiss him goodbye.  We look forward to the day we will see him again, but I will miss his chubby little body and soft skin.  You helped me remember to hold him and touch him and I thank you for that.  We will bury him tomorrow morning, which I know will be hard.  But I must remember it is just a shell and that he soul lives on in heaven.  In a way I thought this would be a bit easier because I didn’t have to watch him suffer any longer, but I guess I just have to grieve and be sad that we don’t get to see him every day here on earth.  I know it will just take time. 

Answer:
Thank you so much for letting me know. I'm so sad with you as I feel with you the emptiness that he is gone and the fear about the grief ahead.

Yes, burying his little body is hard. I think the absolute hardest. It feels so wrong to walk away from that precious body you have cared for. I'm so sorry you have to do that.

In regard to the grief ahead, you are right that it takes time. But it takes more than that. Time, for some people, just causes their resentment and isolation and distance from God to grow. Time doesn't necessarily heal unless you invite God to do his healing work day by day during that time. It is the time invested in seeking to make sense of this in light of scripture, the time spent pouring out your questions and disappointment to God and asking him to touch you and heal you, time spent confronting your tyrannizing thoughts with scripture that brings healing. 

I hope you will get a copy of my book, The One Year Book of Hope and begin your way working through it. It really represents the things I needed to understand and deal with in the months following Hope and Gabriel's death, and I think it might be helpful to you in the days ahead.

Sharing your sorrow—

Nancy

Nancy,

I am enjoying The One Year Book of Hope that I ordered recently.  I read it every morning in my son’s room and it has been so comforting and helpful.  Thank you for working so faithfully on that so others could grow in the Lord in the midst of sorrow. 

I know you are busy, but I have one question that has been on my heart for a while now.  I know you can relate to this since you have a son who is still under your stewardship. Our son who just turned 6 continues to ask many questions about why did our baby have to die and why can’t we be with him anymore, things like that.  Well, I wonder, when people ask you or your son, if you have other children or if he has siblings, what do you say?  I don’t want to say he is an only child, because he has a brother.  He is just not here on earth anymore.  I have thought of many ways to phrase it, but wondered if you had something that was helpful in that area. 

Again, thank you for paving this road for so many of us. Your strength and faith and reliance on the grace of God are such an encouragement. 

Answer:
In regard to how to answer that very difficult question, I think it all depends on who the person is, what the situation is, and where you want to conversation to go from there. Is it a brief introduction and you likely won't see the person again, or is it someone you want to know and you want to know you? I also think you may want to say one thing now and maybe a few years down the road you may want to change that, and that's okay. I know this feels agonizing now. It will get better.

Honestly, I'm not sure how Matt has or would answer the question about whether or not he has siblings. I think the best thing you could do for your son is 1. Don’t make this an issue for him even though it's an issue for you. Kids mostly want to be normal—like everybody else. They don't want to go into any long awkward conversation. 2. However he answers this questions should meet with your obvious approval so he doesn't have to fear offending or hurting you with it. 3. If it does seem to be an issue, talking through various ways to answer and let him know that he may want to answer it one way today and another way tomorrow and that's okay. Help him by giving him some words: "You could say, 'I have a brother J, but he only lived a few months. Or if you don't want to have to explain that, and just want to say that you don't have any brother and sisters, that's okay too. We know it is hard to know how to answer that question. It's hard for dad, and me too. But however you want to handle that is okay with mom and dad." 

This was harder for me earlier on than it is now. And no matter what, it is usually awkward, however, the person you are talking to takes his or her cue from you as to whether or not to let it become an awkward conversation. You can also generally control whether or not and how much you want to go into a discussion about your loss based on your tone and body language. If you'll likely never interact with them again and you don't want to go into it, then answer in a way that is truthful but maybe doesn't tell everything. When someone says to me, "How many children do you have?" and I don't really want to go there, I say, "We have Matt who is 18." I'm not giving them a number, and I'm not denying Hope and Gabe. If I'm open to talking more about it, I might say, "We have a son, Gabe, and a daughter, Hope, who lived just a short time, and we have a son, Matt who is 18." If I don't really want to talk about Hope and Gabe in that moment, I just go on from there talking about Matt, giving the signal that he is who I want to talk about and not dwell on my loss. But sometimes I want to tell them about Hope and Gabe and so I think I have ways of giving that signal.

About a year after Hope died I was in a group where everyone was going around introducing themselves and for some reason that day I didn't want to shape my image as "that girl whose baby died" and I didn't mention Hope. Afterward I went to my car and sobbed feeling that there I was, hoping that everyone else will not forget or erase her, and I just erased her from my history. And I decided that I wouldn't do that again to avoid awkwardness or defining myself. 

I hope that helps. I know these days are very hard and full of tears—

Nancy

Question:
Today, a co-worker lost her son in a horrible car wreck. Her son was in the same grade as my stepson. I feel that there has to be something special we can do for her as a family. Do you have any suggestions about how we can help?

Answer:
Right now I'm sure she is focused on preparing for a service for him. For that, but really beyond that, I've found that parents are really grateful to receive pictures of their child that they don't have in their collection. It is a nice thing for other families to provide photos from their collection that include their son or daughter.

Write down on your calendar what will be the one-month, two-month, six-month, one-year, anniversaries of his death. And determine to send a note, some flowers, something, anything, to let her know you remember and recognize that it is a hard day. When graduation or some other big milestone comes along, be sure to look for a way to include her and to recognize that her son is missing.

Continue to speak his name. Hearing your child's name is a balm. Something as simple as, "I thought about (name) today at the ballgame, and I so wish he was here to play with my stepson." Don't be afraid this will make her sad. She might cry. But you didn't make her sad. She was already sad and you let her release some of that sadness.

Nancy

Question:
I am in the process of reading your book, When Your Family’s Lost a Loved One. My dad died of heart failure after a weeklong stay in hospice. The problem I am having is that he died on my birthday. I read in your book to anticipate the death days and about being open to doing something to honor him that day, but I guess my question is how do I go about celebrating my birthday next year knowing that my dad passed on my birthday? How will I make it through my birthday in good spirits remembering what happened that morning in hospice?

Also, I am a youth minister at a church currently. I am wondering how I tell my church that I do not want to go to church on Father's Day as I am unsure that I can even make it through that day let alone go to church on that day and sit through a Father's Day sermon.

Answer:
I am so sad with you over the loss of your father. I know it hurts deeply and pervasively.

Obviously you have a lot of fear and anticipation of these important days being very difficult for you. I think it is natural and even wise to anticipate that these will be difficult days and prepare for them. 

There are two important things you need to embrace as you anticipate your birthday next year and Father's Day this year. 

1. Gratitude. The antidote for these days being only agonizing is gratitude—choosing to thank God for your Father, for the long life God gave him, for giving him to you, so many things. Focus on nurturing gratitude. Speak gratitude to God for what he has given. Think gratitude. Think of whom you could spend time with who would also like to remember your dad. Who could you thank who made his last days more comfortable?
   
   
2. Focus on others. Rather than turning into yourself to nurture your pain, think through how you can be a blessing to others out of this broken place in your life, and then pour yourself into that. Father's Day may be very hard and it may be appropriate that you don't go to church that day. I suggest you don't ask not to go but that you ask for flexibility. Don't determine that you can't face the crowd that day. You may wake up and feel grateful for your dad and want to figure out how you can honor him uniquely on that day as you reach out and love others who are hurting on that day. Make a list of everyone in your church who has lost their dad this year and send them a card or plan to speak to them letting them know that you remember this is their first father's day without their dad. Think through the men in your church who have never been able to become dads and let them know that you recognize it may be a hard day for them. Send a note or speak to the dads who have lost a child. In these ways, and whatever other ways you can think of, focus on others and you will find yourself comforted in the process.

I hope that helps. It certainly doesn't fix the pain. But these are the things that have helped me on these hard days.

Nancy

Question:

Nancy,

We lost our 1 1/2 yr old in a drowning accident in our home. He spent 10 days on life support. They did numerous EEG's searching for any type of brain activity to no avail. We removed life support.

There have been definite times of struggle over whether I had enough faith. After the initial crying out to God, did I pray enough? Did I really believe he COULD heal him? Did the lady who came and prayed who saw him in a vision know something I didn't? Did I limit God?

At the time I read your book, I was really struggling with this because everywhere I turned people were singing God's praises because of something great he did in their familyhow he healed a little boy of a physical deformity (through surgery), how some premature twins had defied all doctors by how they had developed and leading mostly normal lives in good health. Then someone I knew had a drowning in their family and their son not only lived but you'd never know he drowned. All of this was kind of eating at me questioning my amount of faith and making me wish I could sing God's praises for the same reasons, not praising God because my son died. I read in your book how having faith wasn't believing that God would do whatever you wanted him to do but being willing to accept what He gives you. I knew when I read it that was true, and I thank you for reminding me of that, and helping me to return my focus to truth and not lies. It can still be a struggle, but I know that God is Good and I rest in that.

Answer:
I don't think people who suggest faith was the key to various healings realize that they are basically saying that those of us who didn't get the healing must not have had faith. They haven't thought it through.  And sometimes I think we've bought into a Hollywood picture of what it means to have faith that is more like superstition—refusing to do anything that would suggest we don't have faith God is going to heal.

Believing God CAN heal your child is not the same thing as believing God WILL heal your child. 

Blessings to you —

Nancy